Boo, Dumbass

Okay, Boys and Girls, it’s time for Mama A.J.’s list of Top Ten Halloween Dos and Don’ts.

 

1. If you want to give a nasty note to chubby kids while giving candy to the skinny ones, DON’T.  Just shut your door and skip Halloween.  Maybe even enjoy a quiet evening of extracting your head from your ass.
2. If you think Halloween is the work of Satan and feel that it’s your job to tell innocent children they are going to burn in Hell for celebrating, DO join #1 in the head-extraction process.
3. On a similar note, DON’T hand out Biblical pamphlets about the evils of Halloween.
4. If you think it’s actually called “Whore-o-ween” and want to dress like a porn star, please DO so at an appropriate venue.  Which is NOT the elementary school costume party.
5. If you think it’s okay to dress your 13-yr old in a costume from Fredrick’s of Hollywood, DO seek help for yourself immediately.  People shouldn’t wonder whether she is trick-or-treating or turning tricks.
6. When decorating your home, DO try to recognize the line between scary and horrifying.  Hint:  Making your driveway look like a murder scene two weeks before the big night is horrifying.  And not funny.
7. Part two of that?  When decorating your home, DO remember that trick-or-treaters are children.  A little scare is fun, but there’s no need to make them want to go home early and have nightmares for months. Halloween for a five year-old should NOT cause PTSD or require years of psychotherapy.
8. If you have a negative opinion about a child’s costume, DO keep it to yourself.  Nobody cares that you think it’s wrong for a boy to dress as a princess.
9. When choosing costumes for yourself, DO try not to be offensive.  Seriously, nobody thinks blackface is funny. Nobody.
10. DON’T take everything so seriously on Halloween!  If a little girl dresses like an Indian, maybe it’s about a girl wanting to be Pocahontas and not about disrespecting an entire race.   If a child dresses like a devil, it doesn’t mean he has sold his soul in exchange for a Zagnut.  And the afore-mentioned idiot in the offensive costume is exactly that: an idiot.  Not necessarily a racist or a bad person.  Just a stupid one.

 

And there it is, my little bit of sunshine and happiness to spread in the aftermath of Halloween.     You’ll have to forgive me for being cranky.  But I am alone in a house with two overflowing trick-or-treat bags that don’t belong to me, and the chocolate is talking to me.

I know there’s a Toblerone in there somewhere, darn it.