The Land of Bigass Denial

I’ve had a bit of a rude awakening over the past few days.   Rather unpleasant, really.

I saw a picture of myself.

I’ve been “heavy” for most of my life.  An overweight, pleasantly plump, zaftig, full-figured, big-boned, plus-sized, larger than life, big girl.

There have been some times when I was slimmer.  Weight Watchers, Atkins Diet, Richard Simmons, Dexatrim, Adderral, running, Pilates, Jazzercise.  Tried them all, and they all worked.  For a while, anyway.

But my perception of the way I looked was always skewed.  I thought I was the most rotund and disgusting thing on Earth when I was in high school, but that’s not what I see when I look at pictures from back then.  I was actually kind of hot.  I had a great ass.  A small waist.  An hourglass figure.

Okay, a large hourglass, but an hourglass nonetheless.

Not that anyone knew it.  I always hid in oversized clothes because I didn’t see myself as curvy or sexy.  I just saw myself as fat, no matter how many people tried to tell me otherwise.

Now, all of these years later, my twisted perception of my appearance has somehow twisted in the opposite direction.  I no longer see myself as larger than I am; instead, I have moved directly into the land of Bigass Denial.

I thought I was still just “heavy”.  I didn’t realize I had crossed that line.  When I looked in the mirror, I saw that everything was still proportional, just bigger.  I congratulated myself on being a BBW with a curvy, plus-sized, womanly shape.

Then I saw the picture this week of my son’s pre-school graduation party.  There I was, in my favorite lavender top – the one I always feel pretty in — standing in the back of the room.


It wasn’t a bad picture or an unflattering angle.  Forget that the camera adds 10 pounds; there is no blaming the camera for that picture.  Or the photographer.  Or the outfit.


So, breaking my neck two years ago has slowed me down.  It’s not like I was super active before that point, but at least it was my choice back then.  Now my exercise options are limited.  But that’s still not an excuse for sitting on my ass for the last two years and gaining so much weight.

Of course I covered the numbers!  I'm fat, not stupid!
Of course I covered the numbers! I’m fat, not stupid!


Just this morning, I read Fatty gonna lose some weight . . .  by don of all trades.   Great.  Just when I’m feeling really low about how fat I have become, along comes Don to make me feel even worse.   Here he’s got all of these plans to drop fifty pounds and have fun doing it.  And since he’s a guy, you just know he’ll succeed.  Quickly.

Damn it.

Then again, I’ve always had a competitive streak.  And I loved reading all of his plans because he’s looking at his situation with a sense of humor and a whole lot of honesty.  Maybe . . . maybe the secret of weight control is to have fun with it instead of beating myself up about it.

So Don . . . it’s on.  Fifty pounds?  Child’s play.  I can lose fifty pounds, too.

Who else is up for a challenge?

Author: A.J. Goode

I am a romance novelist, single mother of three, and a high school lunchlady. To be completely honest, I have no idea which of those jobs is the most rewarding and which is the biggest challenge. I love them all. I write romance novels about the kind of people who might pass me on the street every day. My characters are often hurting in some way, and need to learn to trust others in order to heal themselves. I also blog about trying to focus on writing, and about my day-to-day experiences in small-town America. I write about life. The good, the bad, and the just plain odd.

12 thoughts on “The Land of Bigass Denial”

    1. Disgust and accountability . . . not two of my favorite words, but words I think I’m going to be saying a lot over the next few months.

      And Katie, I had no idea you had lost lots of weight. Congrats, and thanks for the support!


  1. 50? Get to 120 and get back to me, ya wimps.

    Only kidding. You know, I never really saw myself for how huge I was until I lost the weight. Now I see old pictures and I think, “holy shit, how did I not have my own orbit?” I knew I was always chubby or fat, but when I crossed over into obese? I was totally in denial until I looked back on it. It’s amazing what we’re able to explain away when we’re in the middle of it.


    1. In all honesty, it should be closer to 120, Katie. But I’m setting a lot of mini-goals instead of one big one. If I look at the total, I’ll just be overwhelmed and quit before I even start.

      Isn’t the denial thing weird? How did I NOT see how huge I’ve gotten?!


  2. Good luck on your journey!!! I am there too. Will never be my “fat” high school weight, I was normal sized then but saw myself as fat at a 9/10 because all my friends were 4/6…. Currently I am on Weight Watchers, (lost 50 lbs. 6 years ago doing it), but couldnt get down to their “goal weight”, it was only 6 lbs. away, so I gave up and ballooned back up. Maybe if I would have done some exercise then to get that 6 lbs off. However I didnt, I lost it all with diet (WW). Now I am doing it again and have lost almost 30lbs with Weight Watchers “sitting on my fat ass” because I am not an exerciser. The great thing about WW is you can eat whatever you want (I love food and food variety), just control the portions to points. You can do this!!! I am:) -and when I get down to my final few pounds even if it isnt their “ideal” weight, it will be mine:) Not every program or exercise works for everyone, but once you set your mind to it (and really get your mind in the right place) you will find something that works for you. Again, good Luck!


    1. Thank you, Jill! I always liked WW . . . I just have to find the motivation to do it online or at home because there aren’t any meetings near me. I’ve tried the online program, but there’s just no accountability that way.

      Sounds like you’re doing great with it, though — keep up the good work!


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